It's been awhile since I have visited and journaled. I've been incredibly busy. So this will be a brain dump post (finally Ashley haha)
The weather is so gross. It's getting 110-120 degrees and it makes going to work miserable since there is no AC in the warehouse. Yesterday hit 117 outside so inside I'm sure was much hotter. By the end of my shift I was dizzy and my head was not right. Within an hour I had a migraine that quickly escalated to throwing up uncontrollably. This all lead to a night in the ER with IVs and meds being pumped into me. Today I am feeling much better and thankful for a day off. Today was the hottest day of the year so far. Tomorrow I dread. It's going to be near 100-110.. Let's just hope we don't have an extremely long day.
Kel had planned on originally coming down for 4 days, instead she came early and then stayed for 2 weeks. It was incredible. I've never been so happy to just be around someone before. I would come home from work and the laundry was done, folded, and put away. I had lunch waiting, the bed was made and the room picked up. She was waiting for me with kisses. We got in a lot of us time that was definitely needed. One of the first nights I took her out driving and we found a random backroad to park. We got out and laid in the back of the truck just holding hands and looking up into the clear sky with all of the stars. We saw a few comets zoom by and listened to the sound of the country. I knew in that moment that I was in love with that girl. That night I felt like it was the right time to tell her. She squeezed me tight. I knew she loved me back. The next morning as I was leaving for work she said 'hey' I said yes babe? She said 'I love you'. My heart jumped out of my throat. Am I really jumping back into this scene of being with someone? I am! She makes me feel things I didn't know I could feel. I was married almost 8 years.. I thought that was love, I thought that was what forever was like. She has shown me I was wrong. I never really asked her to be mine, we just knew we were each other's. She was supposed to be leaving on Tuesday morning so on Sunday I took her downtown STL for dinner and arranged for a horse drawn carriage to pick us up after. I had her favorite flowers and mine waiting in the carriage with a letter I had written her in a card. I then asked her officially to be mine. Of course she said yes. She's never been on dates like I take her. After the ride we walked around holding hands and just talking for a little while. I knew I wanted more time with her and I didn't want her to leave. I offered to ride with her on Tuesday to pick up her minis from her brother. I wasn't sure I was ready to meet them and I wasn't sure she was ready for me to, but she said yes. We drove to Ohio and spent 18 hours in the car together. Usually this is enough to make me want to get away from someone. Not her. The kids love me and on the way home decided I was 'dad'.. She apologized for them being so blunt and up front like that. They're 7, it's understandable. We took them to the science center and to the zoo the 2 days they were here. They left Friday morning when I left for work. Every night since then we have Skyped before bed and watched a movie together on Netflix.
Kel wants me to move to Michigan to be with her and the kids. She owns her own house so she doesn't want to up and move to STL. My job does transfers and there is a warehouse near where she lives. I talked to who I needed at work and they're looking into a transfer for me. I have been all woohoo about moving but when I stop to think about it, I think we need to wait. Her and the kids are beyond excited thinking about me moving that idk how to tell her we should slow it down. On the other hand I want to take a risk and move. This woman makes me feel so good. I am NOT a phone person but we can Skype/FaceTime for 4-5 hours at a time and enjoy every minute of it. Still not want to say goodbye. I have a fear that once I move and I am around everyday that she won't want me the same way.
T saw my profile picture which is Kel and I.. She flipped out. Started saying horrible things to me. Telling me to die and that I'm a shitty person for leading her on and blah blah. I didn't understand where she was coming from. I thought her and I had an understanding that we were just friends and that's all we could ever be. Especially with the past we have. We are on the same phone plan still and she is having my phone cut off tomorrow. She had Ruca for a couple of weeks while I got settled into my new place. I opened Rucas bag we pass back and forth a few days after and found some peaches and my favorite peach salsa! Yum! Well Kel didn't like that she left stuff for me. Although I told Kel we still hung out sometimes. Today Kel gets a snapple tea drink and the lid says something about peaches and being a symbol of love. From that moment on things have been weird with us. She got upset that I 'accepted' the things Tara left in the bag for me.. Then later on the phone she called me 'her' whaaaat?! She's never done that before. So it makes me sick to my stomach. I understand people slip up but she's only ever known me as he. Makes me wonder how often she uses female pronouns when she talks to other people about me.. This is where all of my questioning starts to come into play. Can she really love me when I'm transitioned? Right now she still has me in a female sense. I haven't had chest surgery, I don't have facial hair, and my voice is still hella girly (gag). Now I question even more if moving is the right choice. I hate feeling sick to my stomach.
Mags hasn't let me see the kids. I was supposed to get them Friday and go fishing but she cancelled on me. Made the entire day shitty. Kel left and I didn't get to see my boys. I'm usually on skype at this time with her but I'm not sure that's going to happen tonight. I just want to go to bed and not feel this weird feeling inside of me.